添削（宇川君）

I want to go into the future. In the future, people may fly with new machine and work in their home. I hope that people of the future invent many useful machine. Positive aspects of the future is that people can stay their home everyday because work system provided. Negative aspects of the future is that people lose communication with their region because the number of people who go to outside as decreasing . Therefore people lose opportunity of meeting other people. It is cause that region lose energy . The world of the future have both positive and negative aspects. However, I think that positive points is more many than negative points. For these ideas , I think it is happy for me to go into the future.　１３１語

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I want to go to the future. In the future, people may fly with new machines and work from home. I hope that people in the future will invent many useful machines. The positive aspects of the future are that people can stay at home every day because of new work systems. The negative aspects are that people may lose communication with their communities because fewer people go outside. Therefore, people lose opportunities to meet others, which can make communities lose energy. The world of the future has both positive and negative aspects. However, I think the positive points are more numerous than the negative points. For these reasons, I think it would make me happy to go to the future.

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高得点バージョン

I want to go to the future. In the future, people may fly with new machines and work from home. I hope that people in the future will invent many useful machines that make life easier. One positive aspect of the future is that people can stay at home every day because of advanced work systems. On the other hand, a negative aspect is that people may lose communication with their communities because fewer people go outside. As a result, people lose opportunities to meet others, which can reduce the energy and activity of communities. The world of the future has both positive and negative aspects. However, I believe that the positive aspects are more important than the negative ones. For these reasons, I would be happy to go to the future and experience it myself.

go into the future → go to the future

「go to ○○」が自然。「into」は「内部に入る」という意味になり、この文脈では不自然。

fly with new machine → fly with new machines

複数形に修正。

work in their home → work from home

在宅勤務の自然な表現は「work from home」。

people of the future invent → people in the future will invent

「will」を付けて未来の出来事を表現。

「of the future」より「in the future」

Positive aspects … is → are

複数形の「aspects」に動詞を一致させる。

stay their home → stay at home

正しい前置詞は「at」。

because the number of people who go to outside as decreasing → because fewer people go outside

文法的に自然な簡潔表現。

「as decreasing」は不自然なので削除。

lose opportunity of meeting other people → lose opportunities to meet others

複数形にして、前置詞「to meet」を使用。

It is cause that region lose energy → which can make communities lose energy

positive points is more many than negative points → are more numerous than the negative points

「more many」は誤り。「more numerous」で自然。

many much の比較級が moreです。

it is happy for me → it would make me happy